Days 22, 23, 24, 25 & 26 – Thanksgiving Eat & Drink-A-Thon

Author - Grant
From – Rottenchester, New York
To – Cleveland, Ohio
Via – Tonawanda (Suburbs of Buffalo), New York – the venue for thanksgiving
Consecutive Hours Spent Eating – 120
Consecutive Hours Spent Drinking – 120
Tyres Added to Midriff – 3 Each

Day 22 – Arrival in Buffalo – Thanksgiving Eve

Today’s Photos - http://www.flickr.com/photos/32017704@N03/sets/72157610632065576/

Wow, where do I begin? It’s quite daunting starting this entry; having five day’s worth of new adventures to cover and knowing that I won’t be able to do any of it real justice. It has been a seriously great celebration (even though I still don’t really know what I was celebrating) and the definition of incredible hospitality has to be rewritten. The sign in the porch of Adam’s parents in Tonawanda reads “Welcome to the Johnsons” (absolutely no relation to the urine-soaked bar of the same name in the Lower East side, NYC) is a small indication of the welcome that is about to come your way from Barbara and Craig (a.k.a. Mr & Mrs Adam, a.k.a. my American mum & dad). It might seem weird to some people but my idea of a warm welcome is to be greeted with a knife and to be elbow deep inside poultry so imagine my delight at being requested to debone the 29lb+ turkey that was to be tomorrow’s centerpiece. I had to debone plenty of chicken’s at college but this bad boy was quite a different beast with tendons like boating ropes and wingspan equivalent to a Boeing 747. Still, I think it went well enough.

I’ve just realized that if I am to cover the remaining 4.9 days in as much detail then I’ll be here all night so I’m going to be less specific going forward. Anyway, lunch was our first taste of some of Buffalo’s fine (if not exactly healthy) dining options. Ted’s serve their beef hot dogs with spicy sauce, diced onions, mustard and gherkin and they are fantastic. Next up was a visit to the liquor store to stock up for that night’s festivities (Adam’s brother was hosting a house party) and normally I wouldn’t write about such mundane events but Premier Liquor Store was the size of a small supermarket and it was so popular that it had a line of cars waiting to park in the parking lot which was manned by two stewards who were making enough noise to suggest they had devoured the contents of aisles 14 to 17. The size of the store coupled with the lengths to which people would go to get in there was a real indication of things to come – these Buffalonions really know how to party.

After collecting Adam’s Kate from the airport (she was meeting Adam’s parents for the first time…gulp), dinner was courtesy of Just Pizza who, ironically, do more than just pizza. In fact, they gave us our first taste of Buffalo wings in Buffalo, an experience I have been looking forward to since arriving in this country nearly two years ago. The pizzas (one veggie and one signature three cheese and steak) where both the size of the moon and delicious but the wings (a bucket of 50) stole the show, especially (I am shocked to say) the grilled bbq version which were sticky, sweet and more addictive than crack…or so I hear.

Suitably fuelled on three genres of fast food (USA, USA, USA…) we headed out to Adam’s brother’s house in central Buffalo. Well, I say house but actually his abode more closely resembles a combination of a bar and a college frat house. It houses an electronic dart board (de ja vue anyone?), a full bar (and I mean full in both it’s size and contents), more wall mounted nick-nacks than a hard rock cafe (including a mounted deer head, of course) and the obligatory social accoutrement of the 21st century party host, matching Rock Band/Guitar Hero wireless guitars. What can I say about the rest of the night? It contained plenty of gratuitous drinking, some new drinking games (it turns out Adam’s Kate is a professional flip-cup player…never challenge her to a game unless you want to be humiliated), some real theatrical characters, too much darts and mock guitar playing until 4am. A great night and thanks once again to Mike for his incredible hospitality (I’m rapidly learning it’s a Johnson family trait) as he even donated his bed to us for the night. Did I mention that Adam was utterly smashed and needed to be dragged to bed? He’s such a lightweight…

Day 23 – Thanksgiving Day

Today’s Photos - http://www.flickr.com/photos/32017704@N03/sets/72157610632156408/

After a hungover drive back to Adam’s parents in Tonawanda it was time to attempt the impossible and mask the smell of stale alcohol fumes in time for the arrival of the masses (23 people I think) for Thanksgiving dinner. As they streamed through the door, three notable things happened. 1) The Two Kate’s Conundrum was causing chaos as people were confusing my wife with Adam’s girlfriend– it was a bit like a scene from Frasier only less clever and funnier, 2) the arrival of two more dogs (both purse sized) with Adam’s Granddad and his Auntie Susan (thanks again for the sneaky cigarettes, Kate will never find out) caused predictable chaos when mixed with our unsociable freak and 3) everybody that walked through the door was super-sociable and clearly a chip off the old Johnson block.

The festivities started in the Syracuse orange themed converted basement where the ceilings are never higher than 6 feet and I managed to give myself mild concussion over two thousand times over the following days. Similar to Mike’s house, the basement also housed a fully stocked bar and I really enjoyed leaning against it for the next three hours and meeting the passers by including “grandma” who came up with the brilliant plan of applying to be Obama’s personal chef in Washington as he’ll be looking for a newbie to replace the existing burger cook currently inhabiting the place. Appetisers were plentiful and tasty but the star of the show was the sausage dip involving sausage (dur), tomatoes, peppers and cream cheese all baked together until gooey and delicious.

And so on to the much awaited turkey dinner with all the trimmings. Now I have a very high base of expectations given that my own mum’s Christmas Dinner is the culinary highlight of the year involving well over a dozen items served on a plate the size of a satellite dish but to cook for 23 people is another challenge in itself. But before serving I got the honour of carving the turkey – something I was really humbled by. The behemoth bird had been cooked for 6 hours and left to rest for an hour before I attacked it and it was still volcanic hot. Hopefully you are getting an idea o the size of this bird which weighed more than 50% of Molly. Time to move to the third dining table dubbed the Kid’s Table although it was noticeably short of kids (well, by age if not by IQ) where, after a toast from Craig, steaming mounds of Thanksgiving staples were passed around family style. The piles and piles of expertly carved, moist dark and white turkey meat were accompanied by crusted stuffing, bean casserole (topped with crispy onions), mashed potatoes (20lbs of the stuff!), sweetcorn three ways (including a sweet creamy pudding version with vanilla), yams (a kids candied version and an adult version laced with bourbon), cranberry sauce and probably many more dishes but I went blind with over-eating after a solid 60 minutes of chewing. After a small digestion and football watching break, dessert was a selection of pies (cherry, apple, light pumpkin and Dutch apple topped with crumble) served with cream. And, of course, they were awesome without exception. The pies and some of the side dishes were donated by various guests and pretty much everyone had a hand in the final product which made it all the more special but hats off to Mrs J for an awesome meal and an even more incredible experience. Not one chorus of the Stars and Stripes at any point though – all a bit disappointing really…

The rest of the night involved over-drinking and, unbelievably more, eating (snacking is the new black). Yet more drinking led to a hilarious game of balderdash (the game where being good at lying is an advantage…hence I won by a country mile) where Kate revealed herself as about as convincing a liar as OJ (both times round) but, for me, Kate II had the comedy moment of the night with her ultra-imaginative definition of “A (scribble) Cabin (scribble)”. I guess you had to be there…and the wrong side of the majority of a vineyard. The festivities moved to the basement because our hosts wanted the living room for their bedroom (yep, that’s two nights in and twice we have displaced various Johnsons to their sofa) where we played cards until I pissed off Kate so much that I was told to retire to bed. We now have a safe word for when I am picking on Kate too much which is only to be used in emergencies – she currently uses it about 300 times a day on average. Despite being hideously tired, it was quite hard to get to sleep…but nothing a quick text message couldn’t solve. And that’s another long story that I am happy to go in to over a beer some time.

Day 24 – Niagra Falls & Venison Feast

Today’s Photos – http://www.flickr.com/photos/32017704@N03/sets/72157610632267858/

I wonder what the world record single blog entry length is? Still, next day was Niagra falls visit day but that wasn’t the highlight as, yet again, the eating stole the show. Adam’s dad is a keen hunter and that night’s feast was courtesy of his encounter with a one horned three point buck in the woods of northern New York. It was fascinating to hear his first hand account of the kill and the subsequent field dressing process which is certainly not for the squeamish. However, the result was a freezer full of various cuts of venison that Adam and I had free reign of for that night’s feast. Having already scribbled down a semi-plan we hit Premier and Wegmans superstore where myself, Adam and his Kate stocked up with food whilst my Kate went searching for christmas decorations for Bridget.

After leftover turkey sandwiches (apparently “the best sandwich ever” according to Adam), we set off for Niagra. Now the initial plan was to hit the Canadian side of the falls which are blessed with a better view but the two dumbass yanks with us forgot to bring along their passports so we had to make do with the less revealing, but no less impressive, New York view. I am still hurting at being charged $10 for parking and I am still frostbitten for forgetting my coat but both the American Falls and the more famous Horseshoe Falls are incredible. Luckily, being touristy as all hell, there were enough tat shops to ensure we had enough warm stops to stay clinically alive although why they don’t sell hot drinks is beyond me – it’s a guaranteed and almost instantaneous millionaire maker. Apologies once again to Kate II whom I “accidently” squirted in the eye with window washing fluid.

After that it was back towards Buffalo to cook the remote, dual chef Thursday Club for the 9 people who had survived the previous day. Given the extent to which Craig had gone to in providing the protein (not to mention the ultimate length to which the buck itself had gone to) we really wanted to do it justice and waste nothing hence the menu involved six courses involving a trio of venison dishes and cooking methods. The menu was as follows…

Amuse Bouche of Pepperdew mini Spicy Peppers Stuffed with Teddy’s Potted Piggy and his incredible Black Pudding.
Pan Fried Smelt Topped with Herb Crusted Panko on a Shaved Fennel and Bean Salad with Orange Vinaigrette.
Ground Venison & Asiago Meatballs on Wild Mushroom Risotto with Asparagus Spears.
Venison Bourguignon with Mashed Parsnips and Potato.
Medallions of Pan Fried Back-Strap on a Bed of Bok Choy and Snow Peas with a Cranberry, Blueberry and Shallot sauce.
Pear, Pecan & Chocolate tart with French Vanilla Ice Cream.

Despite a lengthy and recurring “Salty vs Well Seasoned” debate the whole affair seemed to be well received although, as co-cook, I can’t really rate my own food. Actually, sod that, it was awesome from start to finish and Adam and I bounced off each other pretty well. I can only hope that we did his dad proud given that he was the true founder of the feast. And kudos to Kate II who made an awesome dessert that everyone couldn’t help feasting on despite us already forcing five courses down their throats. The night ended with cigars and liquors…now that’s good living.

Day 25 – More Niagra and a Day Down The Pub

Today’s Photos – http://www.flickr.com/photos/32017704@N03/sets/72157610632373510/

Next to be captain of the stove was Craig where he served us light, fluffy Swedish pancakes (he has Swedish lineage) for breakfast with crispy bacon, lingonberry preserve and fresh maple syrup to a surprisingly hungry crowd. The plan for the morning was to see Niagra Falls from the Canadian side which is undeniably impressive despite the view being permanently partially blocked by the spray it creates. Still hurting from the previous day’s $10 parking charge I was flabbergasted to see the Canadians trying to charge $20 to park so we did the Northern version which includes a very slow drive-by in one direction followed by an illegal park on the curb in the opposite direction with some sprinting, frantic photo taking and being back in the car before the traffic cops have finished their Twinkies. We also visited the charming village of Niagra on the Lake which is about 10 miles east of the falls and marks the spot where the Niagra River feeds Lake Ontario. Yep, it’s nice but the Christmas music blaring from the speakers hanging off the lamp-posts is reminiscent of Main Street in Disneyland…having said that, it didn’t stop us heavily hitting the British Shop selling our native chocolate bars. It’s astonishing how easy it is to block out the annoying chanting of the Little Drummer Boy when there’s a Toffee Crisp at stake.

After some surprisingly stringent questioning from the border patrol when getting back into the US, it was time to head down the boozer in Williamsville (the safest neighbourhood in America apparently) to meet up with Mike and Adam’s mates for a cultural day of local beverage tasting (read: a day heavily on the lash). Unfortunately half way through the proceedings we had to wave goodbye to Kate II who had to head back to Boston but we still managed to raise several glasses and sink another fine meal in her absence. After piling back to Tonawanda, post pub entertainment was watching Animal House (an old National Lampoon film and generally an American write of passage) which we saw because of Kate’s almost obsessional fraternity and sorority questioning, of which our hosts were both members during their days at Syracuse. One by one we all fell asleep as three days of hard partying caught up with us with a jolt. Magical stuff and that night’s sleep was closer to coma than REM.

Day 26 – Cleveland Bound, Three State Drive

Today’s Photos - http://www.flickr.com/photos/32017704@N03/sets/72157610565014923/

I have experienced a noticeable deterioration in fitness during the previous four days which I noticed after waking up, taking Molly for a decent sized walk and then packing the car whilst panting like an asthmatic nuisance caller throughout. Still, all that activity had worked up an almost shameful hunger which Craig once again satiated with venison sausage (beautiful), the remainder of the black pudding, eggs and toast – it’s going to be tough to return to the budget hotel’s “continental” crap brekkies after being spoiled so much. We just had time to see some embarrassing photos of Adam (turns out he used to be blonde before contracting gingivitis) before bidding our hosts farewell and hitting the road eastbound.

Our route took us 200 miles west, hugging the southern coast of Lake Erie and through three states (from New York to Ohio via Pennsylvania) but most of it was on rainy Interstate which was pretty uninteresting. We planned to stop in Erie (PA) on the way but it was a dump (I think it is the Erie in Indiana which is supposed to be nice/interesting) so that place has been officially crossed off the list of prospective places to live which is part of the point/pretence of doing this trip.

So we finally arrived in a rainy Cleveland to discover that our hotel is actually about 10 miles away from city so the night, after our last big meal before dieting, is dedicated to chores like washing and writing this blog. Tomorrow we’re planning to take in a big walk, the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame, Inventors Hall of Fame (back out sneaks the inner geek) and Iron Chef Michael Symons’s restaurant Lola. Secretly I’d like to just lie in bed, watch tv and snooze but such is the life of the professional tourist...don’t cry too hard for us though eh....

Kate will be writing the blog tomorrow because this has given me RSI.